My dating life, or lack thereof

Don't know why I'm posting this. I'm just exceedingly frustrated. I've been trying the online dating thing for a while now with several websites, and I'm about near ready to give up on dating altogether.

I know I've probably mentioned it elsewhere, but I'm 27, male, and never been kissed. To give some background, OKCupid for example has this thing where you can answer a bunch of questions openly about hard or soft requirements for the other person, and how you describe yourself. Almost invariably, women of my age group list being a virgin as an unacceptable trait. I even asked one in a message on the site about this once, as i was curious as to whether they were serious about this, and the answer I got was shocking. She treated me more or less as a person non grata, and said that such a person better have a damn good reason for being like this at their age in their life. Happened a month or two ago, and it's still bugging me.

Yes, I've been told not to mention this on a first date. Yes, I've been told that too much "honesty" is bad. It still irritates the hell out of me that (apparently) most feel this way, and moreover that they're allowed to publicly say that virgins are bad, but I'm supposed to keep it to myself. Damn double standards.

/emo-rant

Part of it is finding the right girl. I was a virgin going into my marriage at 26 and I never got any guff about it from my wife. I don't think we really discussed it until a couple of years down the line.

Sexual experience is not something I'd expect to swap on online dating sites or anywhere near the first date, but maybe I'm old-fashioned like that.

I know a couple of my friends found their mates on online dating sites (J-Date and OKCupid, I think), but I always thought finding a hobby that you like that has you meet new people works well. My friend joined a climbing gym and is surrounded by young, pretty, fit girls If you don't find anyone, at least you have fun.

You could always break the ice sex experience wise by doing your homework on websites (in particular terb.ca), taking a vacation to Toronto, and getting a callgirl.

Pricy? - probably cheaper than a cathouse in Nevada, and not as pushy, and you're in your own hotel room, not some sleazy joint on old sheets in the middle of the desert.

Legal? - yes. brothels are illegal in Canada, but person-to-person transactions like one john and one sex worker are completely legal, and protected by their constitution.

Just a suggestion. Gets the whole virgin thing out of the way.

That's the rub. I've rarely only heard of people meeting that way. It's always friends of friends, and I have no friends - my only real friend in California just moved away - and thus I'm screwed. I suck at making new friends, I'm borderline anti-social insofaras I hate being large groups of people whose conversations are boring and inane, and whose favorite activities include beer pong and hanging out in places with overly loud music.

As for activities? Meh... so much time wasted for such a little chance of opportunity. Maybe if they were explicitly or implicitly singles. Otherwise, that's so much time wasted in boredom that I don't think it's worth it. It sucks when my interests are not what you can easily meet people with.

Who wants to date a successful (overly-)honest philosophical geek? Apparently no one.

Yes, I know I'm being difficult now. Sorry. Just so sad / pissed / defeatist atm.

For a minute I thought I was reading my own profile.

When I met the girl with whom I could be myself and be happy, I knew that I had met Mrs. Reverend Jim.

Hmmm. This'll be a little ranty.

Well, first off we need to get you laid. What you're actually describing is two separate problems:

1. You have no friends because you have difficulty socializing.
2. You've never kissed a girl/been laid

First off you need to get laid. If you can date while you do that, fine but getting laid is the more important of the two. It'll make you a normal person.

Hardware's suggestion is best. Hire a prostitute; not a street-walker mind you, but do your homework and a little research online and find someone who appears to be relatively clean and has a good reputation. Email her and explain your situation.

She'll have heard it a hundred times. Discuss what you're interested in AND BE HONEST WITH HER. You're looking for a girl who you find attractive and one you can practice kissing and whatever else on.

Sexually active women are intolerant of adult male virgins because its weird and you're awful in bed. Put yourself in her shoes; you probably suck at oral, you've probably never put on a condom in front of someone before, you'll most likely never be able to find the proper orifice without help and once you do you'll get the angle completely wrong and once you start going at it you'll have no idea how to pace yourself so you'll get off early. And your junk is probably a huge, sweaty mess of hair. Yuck.

Intimacy is extremely important and bad sex can be more frustrating than no sex.

As a man, you can divide your age in two and add seven, and that's the youngest girl you can sleep with. Now, teenagers are a waste of time, imho, but don't be afraid to pursue younger women. Jessica is three or four years younger than me.

A prostitute will solve the main issue. Once you get laid its easier to relax and you won't be a tensed up weirdo.

After the whore, pick up a copy of How To Win Friends And Influence People.

You're going to need some work changing your behaviour around people and that book is a must read for every type of interpersonal relations.

I like sex, so (especially when conversing online) its one of the first things I want to discuss. Too much honesty isn't bad, too much talking is. You're probably not going to be hooking up on the first night from a meeting set up on okcupid, so lie. They don't need to know you're a virgin because you're probably not going to be fucking them right away.

Again, being a virgin at your age is weird, and discussing it on a first date is just going to delve into awkwardness. Imagine if you told the girl you were a virgin and she replies with "yeah that's OK. I'm into poop sex." The fact of the matter is it isn't any of their business.

Also completely eliminate the mindset that a date leads to something. It creates undue stress and tension and expectations. Go on a date to enjoy the company of another, doing whatever and if you enjoyed yourself, follow-up.

Go see a movie. You then have something to talk about! OMG, did you see the last one? What do you mean this is directed by Michael Bay? Did you see that commercial he was in for the Australian Bank? Then go sit in a dark room, watch the movie and leave and discuss. Then leave. Don't stick around for an awkward kiss. Be friendly first, then put the moves on later. The biggest mistake I see people making with women is they go for the kill way too fucking fast. Take your time and practice talking. Get confident with your words.

And the girl will sense aloofness and she'll have to put the moves on you!

Wha...? Seriously Vash. WTF man. This is an excuse.

The above scenario isn't what being social exclusively is. What are your hobbies?

I like combat sports, so I started going to fight clubs. I like to think I'm a people person with above-average skills, but every time I go to a new club I'm a total wallflower. You shoot the breeze with your training partners and soon enough you have a growing circle of friends of all sorts. I finished up class a couple weeks back arguing about philosophy with my sparring partner, and that's not something unique to what I do. I imagine similar scenes play out a the rowing club up the street, the card game clubs old people and nerds attend or the noisy show late at night.

Why would you go to a noisy place to meet people if you don't like that? Dating is not what you see on TV.

Maybe try speed dating.

The bottom line is you'll need to become more social, and its something you can learn to do, and you'll enjoy it. I'm not very social and I have to force myself to go to class every night and its such an effort, but when I do I'm happy I got to get beat up and see my friends, but the next day again it's pulling teeth.

But first, find a prostitute. You'll have a great time, learn some things and you'll lose the awkward tension.

Not that I'm being nosy, but what's up on the getting laid?

Oh wait. That does sound nosy.

James :)

Same as it's been for the last ~27 years. I try not to think about it too much. I'll type more if you want later, but I need to start some work and cooking.